What Men and Women Don’t Understand About Each Other

There is an idea prevalent in our culture that similarities are good for relationships and differences are a problem. Couples often think the problems in their relationships are attributable to their differences, like “I’m a night owl, and she likes to go to bed early.” I’m always a little amused when working with a heterosexual couple in psychotherapy who thinks their different hobbies or habits are the cause of the problems in their relationships. It never seems to occur to these couples that being of different genders is a far greater gap to bridge than any of the things they are focused on. Men and women see the world differently, behave differently, and feel differently. These differences are largely learned rather than innate, but they are substantial.

The problems in heterosexual couples often do not stem so much from their differences; they are more often the result of men assuming that women are like men and women assuming that men are like women. Nothing could be further from the truth. Couples often try to bridge the gap by being careful with their words or learning to “mirror” each other when talking. These strategies can frustrate and upset couples because they only address superficial misunderstandings and don’t get at the deep-seated misunderstandings between men and women.

One of the most important things women don’t understand about men is how scared they are of women in intimate relationships. One of the most important things that men don’t understand about women is that most of what women do in the relationship reflects their efforts to get closer and feel more connected.

It’s counterintuitive to think about men being afraid of women. After all, men are generally in a more powerful and privileged position in most relationships; what are men afraid of? Let me give you a few examples:

• Men are often afraid of being dominated and controlled by women. Why is the worst thing that one man can say about another man is that he is “Pussy whipped,” accusing him of being controlled by a woman or, more precisely, controlled by his need for a woman.
• Men are often afraid of being inadequate emotionally, interpersonally, and sexually. Men are stereotypically self-centered lovers, but in surveys, men say pleasing their partner is most important. Pleasing their partners is not just an expression of generosity but also an indication of men’s strong need to be validated through sex. As the old saying goes, “Women have to feel loved to…