What Men and Women Don’t Understand About Each Other

There is an idea prevalent in our culture that similarities are good for relationships and differences are a problem. Couples often think the problems in their relationships are attributable to their differences, like “I’m a night owl, and she likes to go to bed early.” I’m always a little amused when working with a heterosexual couple in psychotherapy who thinks their different hobbies or habits are the cause of the problems in their relationships. It never seems to occur to these couples that being of different genders is a far greater gap to bridge than any of the things they are focused on. Men and women see the world differently, behave differently, and feel differently. These differences are largely learned rather than innate, but they are substantial.

The problems in heterosexual couples often do not stem so much from their differences; they are more often the result of men assuming that women are like men and women assuming that men are like women. Nothing could be further from the truth. Couples often try to bridge the gap by being careful with their words or learning to “mirror” each other when talking. These strategies can frustrate and upset couples because they only address superficial misunderstandings and don’t get at the deep-seated misunderstandings between men and women.

One of the most important things women don’t understand about men is how scared they are of women in intimate relationships. One of the most important things that men don’t understand about women is that most of what women do in the relationship…