How to Look Forward to Arguing

Like most guys I would rather face the muzzle of an assault rifle than a pissed off wife.

— Wild Fire by Nelson DeMille

If you think makeup sex is something that only happens in the movies, this post is for you.

It is not uncommon in my work as a psychotherapist to talk to men who have become so conflict-avoidant that placating their wives is the most important thing in the relationship to them. They are so scared of their partner’s disapproval that they’ve essentially given up on any efforts to try to work things out or get closer. All they want now is for her to stop being mad at them.

In intimate relationships, anger is simply an indication that the other person doesn’t like the way things are going in the relationship and would like things to be better. If your wife says to you, “I’m angry that you forgot we agreed to work on the yard this weekend and you made other plans,” that’s not an attack or a personal criticism that needs to be defended or, worse, retaliated against. She didn’t say that you did anything wrong or that you need to do anything different.

She just said she didn’t like the way things went between you. She’s giving you important information about how she feels about her connection to you, and your job is just to listen.

Of course, in the real world, anger is rarely delivered quite so cleanly. The message you get may sound more like “I’m angry at you for making other plans, and you always do that because I’m not as important to…